Anxiety

10/09/2010 1.35 a.m.

Aloha~! I’m sorry ya, so long did not blog again..hehehe..shall we start? xD..Yer, yesterday I went to times square with my friend to have some fun out there..Well, it’s quite fun I would say that and also quite bad for my own sake. ^^. Anything’s fine but the worse thing is, jealousy is keep attacking me since both my friends I knew there are coupled and they seems quite compatible to each other, I really do envy that. ^^. Well, just in case you’re the person whom I’m talking and came across this, please don’t put in your mind and just keep it to yourself; this is just my temporary expression. Hehehe. Well, it’s not only looking them made me jealous, well, those coupled strangers also made me extremely jealous, making me remind of my “nice and pain” past. Well, got one thing that is quite lame , that is, my friend’s friend keeps jumping the song’s queue until I couldn’t sing much song, but that’s okay, I don’t really mind that. =>. I really felt that I’m crazy or what, still can’t let go this pain. Since that is already past. The anxiety of grabbing the hand of your loved ones is something that is very new and mysterious to me, where I did not hold her hands for my past love. This anxiety keep torturing me for months, as I’m craves to know that all sorts of things or feelings that I can feel when I’m holding the hand of my loved one. Well, right now is obviously no chance for me but I hope that I can attain that sensations as soon as possible, I’m dying for it! >.

I guess the only way for me to forget her is to get a new one, a new replacement. This place used to be a great source of energy that allows me to do anything. And now it’s all gone, leaving big scars behind it. But the matter is who will attain my trustworthy and moves my heart once again? Who? -.-ll. I realize that recently I could even more hardly to share my things around, as I don’t really believe anyone right now. Not even one, entirely. Who will step into my life again? I keep wondering as time passes. But well, if you just keep wondering and not putting any efforts in it is also useless, nothing will be gained without an effort.

Well, last Monday I went for sing karaoke with my two best friends. That day really hurts my feeling as they keep modifying the song’s lyrics and keep mentioning her. In the beginning it was fine, but in the very end I really couldn’t hold myself anymore, as that song they sang keep repeat the name of her and repeat since the lyrics also do the same but to different person. So both of my best friends keep teasing me with various kind of song until the last song, which made me very^3 moody until I thought of going home straight, ignoring them. Well, that song really drew my tears out, I’m still trying my best to hold my tear off. But it’s just flow. The sensation of having a big cry is there for me, but I couldn’t do that, I need to keep it to all myself! I don’t want made others worry about me anymore, so every day I keep insisting that I had to make a fake smile when I’m not smiling naturally to let them least suspicious towards me. well, one of my best friend scolded me regardless of my stupidity. Yeah, I’m stupid, I admit. Sometimes I do thought of I’ll rather the become the stupid one again. =<. You just don’t know how much you meant for me. Please don’t pity me, I don’t worth it.

~~~END~~~~2.26am

Quotes : The words are easy to say, but the wounds are hard to heal. If I can atone my mistakes by just a say, I don't think everyone will need a time to heal